I am a Published Author! What?!

I could if you hadn’t turned on the light and shut off my stereo. Check it out, y’all. Everyone who was invited is here. Daddy Bender, we’re hungry. No. We’re on the top.

I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though! Yeah, and if you were the pope they’d be all, “Straighten your pope hat.” And “Put on your good vestments.” Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? …To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? …To shreds, you say.

Is that a cooking show? Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist! When the lights go out, it’s nobody’s business what goes on between two consenting adults.

I love you, buddy! Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn’t you just get me the death penalty? And I’d do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it. I found what I need. And it’s not friends, it’s things.

I love you, buddy! For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored. Shut up and get to the point! No! I want to live! There are still too many things I don’t own!